A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

There were three drunk guys and they got in a car accident. They go to heaven and plead god for a second chance. God says, "Alright, but don't step on a duck. The drunks reply, "Why ducks?" God repeats, "Just don't step on a duck." The drunks agree and go back down to earth. A few weeks go by, and the first steps on a duck. Instantly, he's chained to the ugliest woman in the world. A month goes by and the second steps on a duck. The last of them is laughing at the others and is instantly chained to the most beautiful woman in the world. He says, "God, what did I do for this?" The girl says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you" - said the voice.

The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked.

"Yes" said the parrot.

The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence" answered the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burgler. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot's answer: "The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus."

A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

Two old men were sitting on a porch with a hound dog between them. The dog had its leg hiked up and was licking itself. One of the old men said to the other, "I sure do wish I could do that."
The other old man said, "You better not, that dog will bite you."

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service his hens. He got himself a new rooster and let him loose with the old rooster. The young rooster went right over to the old rooster and challenged him to a fight. The old rooster said, "Sonny, I'm too old to fight. Just follow me around, and I'll show you the place." The young rooster agreed and started to follow the old rooster around. The old rooster showed him the barn, then the hen house...then started to run. The young rooster thought the old rooster was trying to pull a quick one, so he chased after him madly.

All of a sudden, there came a loud "Bang!" and there stood the farmer, muttering "Dangit, that's the third gay rooster I've had to kill this month."